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| so why is it that i do things that i don't want to do?
i'm so far away from who i really want to be. i'm not serving God like i should. i havn't been doing my quiet time, i havn't been praying that regularly and i've lost my ability to care it would seem. i know it's natural for my human side to reject the thing of God and try to pursue it's own objectives and desires. but i don't want to follow those desires. they lead me way far away from who God wants me to be. those desires pull me further from Angel and further from my true self. i don't want to be a false Christian anymoe. i hate it! i'm just moving through the motions and those motions are only making me stagnate. my sins have have blocked the flow of my spirit in connection with who God is and while yes i can learn now things and process them in my mind they are not reaching my heart and they are not turning into actions. i constantly (daily), when i'm by myself at home, do not do what i want to do...well i do...but i don't. i do b/c i sit and look online for job possibilities (and yeah i go out and look as well), i play my games and watch my shows inbetween looking, but i also get heavily distracted while i sit at the computer. all it takes is one small thought and it starts a chain reation that leads me down a path that i have been many times before, and that i hate just as much now as i did then.
i don't know how to stop. i've tried. so far with n previal. i know i need to do my Bible studies and spen time talking with God again bc these well help quite a bit, but what about that 10% of the way?
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| so i find myself wondering if i even care about people anymore.
although i know i do.....part of me really doesn't like being around
ppl anymore. at least not on a personal lvl. but at the same time i'm
wanting to be social again.
i really think a lot of my problems are that i'm not spending time with
God anymore and i really need to start doing that again. i think....if
i can get myself to do it i'm going to start getting my quiet times in
again and hopefully starting writing my devotionals on here again. i
miss being able to do that and i hope to be able to start again. at
least then i'll know i'm working towards strengthening my relationship
with God again and with that maybe renew my heart for others and give
me motivation to actaually start doing things again.
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| i really hate the way i am at the moment. i'm constanly sitting here in front of the computer letting my sin take over my mind and actions. i hate it. HATE HATE HATE it!!! i feel so far from God at the moment that i have no idea how to even begin getting back. i want to read the Bible again but i feel so guilty i don't even feel worthy to pick it up. and even when i do try to i don't know where to start anymore. i'm conpletely lost at the moment and have no idea what i'm doing. i hate being caught up in negitive sexuality. i hate that i enjoy watching porn and having thoughts that are impure. i don't want them anymore.
God please help me! i really don't know where to go in this journey. i've made a mess of things and i don't know how to straighten things out. i've lost my intimacy with you and i've lost my intimacy with Angel as well. please please please help me come back to you again. i hate being lost, i hate being thisway.
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Harvest of plenty
Matthew 9:37-38
"The
harvest is plentiful but the workders are few. Ask the Lord of the
harvest, therefor, to send out workers into his harvest field."
This
world is the field in which Jesus is talking about. There are so many
people in this world who are hurting and searching for something to
give them hope, but they don't know the one who can give them the hope
they need. Jesus had a mind for missions, for having compassion on
those who are hurting and then helping them by showing them the one
true hope. we should do the same thing, either by asking God to send
out workers into the fields to help those who are hurting or by going
out and being a worker in the field ourselves. most of the time you'll
find that you will be the one he will send. The harvest is for the
souls of this world, those ripe and ready to join God's kingdom. with
the Workers being few we have a lot to do, maybe we'll be able to
increase the number of working in time so more people can be reached
and a larger harvest will be reaped. but i encourage everyone to be a
worker, to go out on missions or even just to work within your on home
area on campus with those around you. even here we are still on
missions if we realize it or not. | | |
| This past week was spring break here at Southern Poly, and i have to say it is one of the best i've had yet. i spent that last week with one of the best groups of ppl i know. Dave, JP, Dan, Daniel, David, Andrew, Dale, Christi, Lauren, Sarah, Stefanie, Katy, and Cassie. This group Rocks my socks off!! the 14 of us went on a mission trip down to Jacksonville, Florida to work in the inner-city ministries. specifically a complex by the name of Cleveland Arms. we arrived there on Saturday the 4th and returned on Saturday the 10th. here is a semi day-to-day.
Saturday: we arrive and go into the sanctuary for a introduction from the Paster, Nick Phoenix. after this we unload our stuff in our rooms and head to walmart to get supplies that we'll need. that evening is spent discussing the coming week. ..off to bed
Sunday: wake up get ready, go to church. we went to Jacksonville First Baptist. that place is huge by the way, and good definition came from Daniel "a Stadium with a Church in it." that afternoon we went to the complex for the first time. we were planning on having a small block party: cookout, Moon bounce, playing games with the kids and such. we walked around going door to door inviting ppl to come. that evening kids started showing up so we played and played. kick-ball, frisbee, soccer ball passing and carrying kids around on our backs...that was tiring and left me sore the rest of the week. well then the grills got there we made hot dogs and snow cones. the moon bounce came out and kids loved it... we ended up staying a little later then planned and were there after it got dark...bad idea...oh yes it was. at this point we packed everything up and it became chaos. the kids started chasing the truck that had the trailer attached to it, so we were trying to keep them off so they wouldn't get hit. eventually we had to escort the truck out of the complex keeping kids off of it while walking around it as a shield of sorts. well....while doing this the kids turned into a mob, at first they started throwing footballs and basketballs at us...and few hit their targets. then they pickup rocks and started throwing them at us...a couple of those hit as well. then...Glass Bottles came into play. Thank God that none of those hit, a few came close but we were deffinently protected by God that night b/c we could have easily been seriously injured. eventually we got out. when we got back to the church we had a group emergency prayer for that complex and for our protection and for God's glory to been attained in what we do there. we went to bed shaken (and stirred). fear, adrenaline and and other emotions coursed through out hearts and minds. we felt like turning back and going home. instead...we went to bed.
Monday: woke up ate breakfast, prayed for our day's safety. then work started. we went to the warehouse where the inflatables (the church had this as a ministry) were stored and helped clean up a good size pile of rubble and trash there. although i personally didn't do a lot to help clean it up, my part for that day was documenting through photos and videos. our group works to well with each other. we knocked that pile out in about 2.5 hours. we found two dead rats while going through it, that caused a fun stir in the girls. after this we went over to a house down the street (this was for a family that lost their home in a fire, along with one of their children) to get it cleaned up so that it can be lived in. we did the yard this day, raking and picking up trash mostly. after this we ate lunch and prepared to go to the field. we left to return to Cleveland Arms. when we got their we were all nervous and prayed for safety and that all would go smoothly. when we got out there we were greeted by kids as if nothing ever happened. we had a few who apologized b/c they weren't apart of the group and all. so we gout out there and gave out name tags and had some music time where we song old VBS songs like pharaoh pharaoh and Father Abraham with them. then we had a story time we told the story of the Good Samaritan with the characters of Jackie Chan (Wah Wah!!) Batman, Spider-man and Superman. then we played game of freeze tag and then it was time to leave for the day (before dark mind you). we got back to the church got cleaned up and then had dinner. afterwards we had group time. time to sleep.
Tuesday: wake up.. breakfast (this will be [normal]) time to work. this day we split into different groups to get more done. one group went to work on the house some more, one group fried about 50 pounds of bacon, another helped the food closet at the thrift store and began work on the cloths side when they were done with that, and another group (the one i was in) reorganized the pantry for the church (it looks nice now). afterwards we had lunch. me and JP made a quick trip to walmart to pick up somethings and get my glasses fixed (basketballs aren't good for them) then we got back and left to go to the complex again. this day we told the story of Jesus feeding the 5 thousand and we gave our colored fish crackers and broke up hot dog buns for them. other then that it was about the same as monday (which will be {normal}). we returned the church cleaned up and ate and had our group time. we played some games and then went to bed.
wednesday: [normal] again we split up this day for our morning work. the group returned to work on the thrift store, a group returned to work on the house, me and David (being the computer guys of the group) did some work on the computers for the Church getting printers working and installing software on a few of them.after this David Katy and I started frying bacon, we did about 12 pounds that day. after wards we did lunch and got ready to go to the complex. this day we told the story of Jesus spanning the Gap for us that sin created in us. {normal} then we returned to the church and ate got cleaned up and had group time. we had time in the sanctuary of the church were we prayed and then afterwards sang with Andrew playing the piano and Dan on the guitar. i personally ended up staying on the phone afterwards for a long while (i'm glad for vzn to vzn free calls). then bed
thursday: [normal] this was the last day of working, so we split up and went back to our task. the Thrift store was finished. the house was almost done being cleaned up, and David Katy and i did bacon again. this time we got about 60 pounds in (we hit a good stride). this gave out total to be about 120 pounds of bacon that our group prepared for the groups that would follow behind us. then we had lunch and got ready to go to the complex. this time we had a ending of the week block party. we had hot dogs again and the moon bounce. we played games with the kids and talked to them and just had fun. i had to break up on fight. although the one i pulled away from it was sort of justified for being in it (the boy he was fighting hit his is cousin [who was also a girl], i personally would have done the same thing as him, but i'm very protective so yeah) , but i pulled him aside and held/hugged him while i talked to him to try and help him calm down explaining why we can't fight (which was hard b/c i agreed with his reasoning behind why he got in to the fight...oh well. NOBODY HURTS MY FAMILY!!! ok calm down....anyway. afterwards we packed everything up around 430 and left to go back to the church. this time we got cleaned up and ate dinner and then there was a local band who came to the church and played for us (personal concerts are nice) they weren't bad. afterwards we had our group time where we passed around the Holy Sprinkles to each other. when the Sprinkles were on a person the question was asked "what would this trip have been like if ________ didn't come?" and we went through everyone in the group. honestly i was surprised by some of what (ok most) of what was said towards me. Thank you to all those who said these things, they meant a great deal to me. afterward we stayed up talking and joking around and then eventually went to bed.
Friday: Our Day Off!! we slept in till about 930 ish ate breakfast and went to the beach. we walked around on the beach playing and taking pictures. we played out on the lounge chairs and got tanned (or burnt in my case). when it was time to go, i noticed my phone was missing. we searched the bus and the beach and couldn't find it. we gave it up for loss after about 30 mins of searching. afterwards we went downtown to the shopping area and walked around until dinner. after dinner we headed back to the church. and when we go back we got a phone call on Daniel's phone from a guy saying he found my phone. Praise God for this!! so me and Daniel drove back and picked it up for him. we came back in the middle of the group time. then after that we played spoons...i was first out (it was my first time playing as well though). then we went to bed
Saturday: The Trip back. we rode in three different vehicles. although i wish it could have all be one just so the whole group was together that last day, but that couldn't be helped. it was a good trip back through we watched 3 disney movies (Emperor's new Groove, Aladdin, and The Rescuers Downunder)
So yeah that was my/our spring break. now we get to come back and go back to the mundaness of school so back to the norm it is
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